How Porn Affects Relationships

It’s no secret that human beings are hardwired for connection.

Thousands of years of philosophy, science, and media all point to one thing:

We’re meant to form deep connections with other humans.

Belonging is what gives meaning to our lives. And this idea extends to romantic relationships.

Yet, there’s something that’s been affecting the quality of romantic relationships more so now than ever before.

And that something is pornography.

The truth is, porn can damage intimacy and connection. But research also points in the opposite direction. Porn can also help relationships. We’ll look at both views.

Also, why do people in relationships watch porn? Shouldn’t love in a relationship be enough? We’ll answer these questions as well.

Finally, we’ll outline the damaging effects of porn — and what a healthy relationship looks like.

Keep reading if you want to learn how to heal your relationship from the damage caused by porn.

The Research On Porn and Relationship Satisfaction

Many studies have measured different areas of relationship satisfaction. This includes communication, commitment, sexual satisfaction, and infidelity.

Relationships of individuals who viewed explicit material on their own measured poorly in every index.

But, couples who watched porn together had higher levels of satisfaction in every area.

Couples who didn’t watch porn had similar success to those who watched porn with one exception. The non-using group had far lower rates of infidelity.

A 2016 study on the effects of explicit material on romantic relationships echoed the findings above. It found that couples who watched porn together, and those who didn’t, have similar levels of relationship satisfaction.

Interestingly, there isn’t concrete evidence that porn causes dissatisfaction in relationships. Rather, people who are unhappy with their relationships seem to watch more porn.

There are also studies that have found porn improves relationships.

This 2017 study found that people reported no negative effects in their relationships from watching porn. Surprisingly, they even experienced positive effects.

In another study, people claimed that their attraction to their partner didn’t diminish. They still felt strongly in love despite using porn.

Why Do People in Relationships Watch Porn?

Many people watch porn because they’re dissatisfied with their sex life. Others are stuck in unhappy relationships.

Regardless of the reason, porn makes the problem worse. It’s a temporary distraction from a lack of connection.

At the root of it, some porn users experienced loveless relationships early in life.

For example: If a father is emotionally distant, then his daughter forms a model of love that resembles that.

In other words, love for her looks and feels like her childhood interactions with her father. She believes she must keep her significant other at a distance to love them.

As mentioned, this worsens the problem. She may feel inclined to use porn as a substitute for the lack of intimacy she feels. This self-created issue stems from the template of love she internalized in childhood.

Conversely, porn use may be unrelated to this. Some people watch porn to release stress, relieve boredom, or experience physical pleasure.

Porn only becomes a problem when it’s being used to fill the gap of connection in a relationship.

The Damaging Effects of Porn on a Relationship

If you’re the one watching porn, you may be wondering if it’s affecting your relationship. If you’ve discovered that your partner is watching porn — you’re probably upset. You want them to see the damaging effects of porn and the pain it’s caused you.

Porn is the third wheel you don’t want around.

In the following sections, we’ll outline the most damaging effects of porn. If you or your partner want to get porn out of your relationship, it may be beneficial to read these sections together.

Increased Cheating and Secrecy

There’s some debate about whether watching porn counts as cheating. There’s no right answer to this question. It depends on one’s personal definition.

But does watching porn actually increase the chance of someone cheating?

Studies have found that porn increases instability in relationships. Higher rates of infidelity and divorce were also among the results. Porn viewers are also less committed and less satisfied in their relationships.

Porn Hurts Your Partner

The main reason people hide their porn use is that they think it’ll hurt their partner.

The user already knows their partner doesn’t approve of their habit. Finding out that your partner has been watching porn can feel like you’ve been cheated on. Studies have shown that women can be traumatized when they discover their partner’s porn use.

A person may find out their partner has been watching genres of porn they don’t approve of. At this point, they may feel hurt, rejected, lonely, or angry. This is the case even if porn doesn’t count as cheating to them.

Additionally, porn sows mistrust, isolation, and secrecy into relationships. These negative feelings can fester into bigger problems later on.

More Loneliness

Porn use is a vicious, isolating cycle.

When a user feels something on the spectrum of negative emotions, porn is used as an escape.

Normally, they’d seek comfort with a loved one, or a friend. But if their person isn’t available, they’ll turn to porn.

This porn session leaves behind a nasty residue. More negative feelings. These feelings fuel the next session (or even a binge) — and the cycle continues. Note that even a session from last week can be a catalyst for future relapse.

This is why it’s so important to stop this addiction dead in its tracks.

The isolation cycle causes porn users to skip social events. They miss out on connecting with people who could make an impact in their life. This impact could even be significant enough to get them on the right path. The path to a healthier life.

A Distorted View of Healthy Sex

A poll in Britain found that the more men watched porn, the unhappier they were with their penis size. Additionally, this poll found that the more women watched porn, the less satisfied they were with their partner’s penis size.

This distortion isn’t limited to looks. Women in porn seem like they always want sex. And their appetite is insatiable. They orgasm loudly and keep coming back for more. Women in porn are portrayed as sex objects whose only purpose is to please men. This is especially the case when sexual acts are demeaning or painful.

In another survey, young men and women aged 16-18 said they learned about sex by watching porn. The female participants felt like they had to follow the “script” laid out by porn scenes.

If your relationship has been strained by porn, don’t worry. Most of the damage is reversible if you’re willing to put in the work.

The Anatomy of a Healthy Relationship

You need to know what a healthy relationship looks like before you can fix yours. This will give you a direction to move in.

Here’s what makes a healthy relationship:

• Excellent Communication: Communication in and out of the bedroom is essential to a healthy relationship.
• Trust: Strong relationships are based on trust. As mentioned above, secrecy can wreak havoc on your relationship. Also, vulnerability is required for a genuine connection. Trust includes respecting this vulnerability by not sharing secrets or intimacy with those outside the relationship.
• Emotional intimacy: Emotional intimacy is the primary factor in building your connection with each other. When emotions are nurtured between two people, their sexual satisfaction skyrockets. The need for artificial sexual stimulation decreases as a result of this.
• Realistic expectations: Relationships are messy and imperfect, and so is your partner. Porn skews your expectations of body image and sexual behavior. Your partner won’t perform like they’re on a porn set. They probably won’t look like a pornstar either.
• Compromise: Sometimes your partner will be in the mood, and sometimes they won’t. They may also have different sexual tastes. Learning when to compromise your satisfaction for theirs is a crucial sexual skill.

Porn taints the exchange of your most intimate moments. In the following section, we’ll explain how you can restore your relationship.

How to Heal Your Relationship

Maybe you’re still not convinced porn is harmful to your relationship.

In this case, it’ll be helpful to take time out to evaluate the damage porn has done. Sit down with your partner and have an open conversation. Sure, it’s not an easy thing to talk about. But both partners should be able to voice how they feel about their partner’s porn use — without any judgment.

Here are some questions you could ask to start the discussion:

• Are you bothered by your partner watching porn? If so, what about it bothers you?
• How does your partner’s porn use make you feel about your body?
• Ask your partner why they’re watching porn. Maybe they need an escape?
• Discuss the quality of your sex life. Are you or your partner dissatisfied with sex?

Note that every relationship is different. Sometimes it’s not appropriate to open up about your porn use. Use discretion when beginning a discussion about porn.

Once you’ve decided that porn is harmful to your relationship, you’re ready for the next steps to recovery.

First, become aware of your level of addiction. Are you a casual user? Or are you deeply addicted? This will affect how you approach recovery.

Second, revisit your goals and values. Both as a couple and as an individual. In a previous article on how to quit watching porn, we talked about writing down a vision that outlines your ideal life. Your vision echoes your values and beliefs. Reviewing these future aspirations will fuel your desire to quit porn.

Next, think about what you’ll lose when you quit porn. You won’t have access to easy pleasure. You won’t be able to pacify your pain with a few clicks. Admitting what you’ll lose is important when it comes to facing those fears head-on.

And finally, create an agreement. This agreement should be fair and consider both parties’ needs. If you hit a roadblock — seek professional help from a therapist that specializes in sexuality.

Above all else, take responsibility for your well-being. Other people can provide support — but you must have the desire to change.

A Life Without Porn

True connection and intimacy add purpose and meaning to our lives. It enriches our lives with something beautiful — something beyond the fake pixels on a screen.

Who doesn’t value a healthy relationship?

Consider the damage porn is doing if you’re in a relationship. And if you’re not, think about your future relationship.

Is it worth messing up your brain chemistry before meeting the love of your life? You’ll be wired to seek intimacy from pixels instead of the warm embrace of your partner.

We’ve given you the facts. Now it’s your turn to answer the question.

Is porn worth it?

-Mr. Mind Blowing